Sometimes, when I rly notice how old I am already, a huge amount of sadness overcomes me. I miss childhood. In childhood there was freedom - no being stuck in my own mind and my overthinking. I wish I could go back to being young. I wish I could stop growing older. 

I have started a bullet journal some time ago and I wonder if ever another person will read it through and ask himself what made me write those things. Somehow I wish a person would read the words I wrote. But at the same time I am afraid of that too. Well, I don’t think that anyone would read my texts anyways so I should just stop overthinking. School is stressing these days so much and I‘m grateful that there’s no one, I would hurt by not having any time for them. Thankfully I have no friends. If I would be honest to myself, then I would say that I need to be loved. But I‘m not honest to myself so I just struggle through the days, not knowing why I am so unsatisfied. My heart is still hoping for love - while my body is unable to accept any signs of love since long. 

# Happy Birthday, my love. I’ve been counting down the days to this moment… not just to celebrate your birthday, but to celebrate you. You’re the light that keeps me going, even when I’m far away and wearing this uniform. Every long day, every tough moment — you’re the reason I push through. I know you think I’m far right now, but today is too special to be away from the person who owns my heart. So just keep your beautiful smile ready… because your soldier is closer than you think. Happy birthday, habibti. I love you more than words can ever say, and today I’ll prove it in the best way.

➜ Thx, darling, you‘re the light of my life, the cold water that brings me through the burning hell. For you I stand up every day and live like you would want me to. For our future I survive ꨄ︎

➜ Happy B-Day to myself. I don’t feel like nineteen at all …

You are in your one year and three months of army and I‘m left alone. I don’t really know how to feel - now that I don’t have you to talk with. I‘m just still a bit used to having you, so I guess that‘s probably why I‘m always thinking of you. We can‘t text and I wonder how you‘ve been and if you at least try to get enough sleep. I hope you are doing well. Some days I ask myself if we both will still be the same persons when you come out of army. I guess we will change like the colours of the leafs in autumn. But in the end we will be together green again, right darling? I just wish that time flies by quickly …

I think I can say that during these almost 19 years I lived, I have experienced a lot. There are many good memories - moments full of love, of peace, of freedom. But there are many bad memories too. Memories from those dark days when I felt wrong in place, in time, in my own body. There’s almost no worse feeling than that one you have when you realize how much out-of-place you are. How ugly and weird and unreasonable you are. When that one thing happens again and you‘re suddenly a little kid, scared of whatever could happen next. Scared to make a move, say a wrong word, but at the same time there’s the new you inside of you, telling you that this is so wrong. That you shouldn‘t be scared, that you should shout and scream and change something. Anything. But the kid inside you is still scared…

Well, I said there‘s almost no worse feeling than this one. But in fact there is one: The feeling of not being able to talk or write about it. 

I told him :

“I’m full of thoughts - I’m overthinking so much all day and sometimes it just gets too much and the people around me get too much and my mind is full of words but they are just thoughts and never sentences I speak out loud, I would like to explain but I just can’t and bcz there are so many thoughts inside me they sometimes have to burst out and that's why I cry - so now I wanna cry.“

His answer? (T ^ T)☆

“Ok, then let's cry together.“

Why is being the eldest daugther so hard? And why is everyone so depressed while wearing laughing masks? I came to egypt to meet my family. And I knew nothing about all the problems and drama going on here. All I can think about now is : When did all of this happen? Did I grow up so fast? And why am only I noticing or having a problem with it? Everybody else is singing and laughing around me and I‘m trying to be happy too but how when everything has changed so badly? Why is it so hard to be the eldest daugther? 

Why did I talk to you again? We had such a long break. I thought we were over. I thought I could forget you. But in fact I could never. And now that there‘s no sea parting us right now I couldn‘t resist texting you. And you reacted so perfect. We are still so perfect. You‘re going to army next month and there won‘t be anything anymore connecting us but the moon. I hope the moon will never go down. You are in love with an eldest daugther in a family of problems. I‘m so sorry for that. 

A person's mind quickly gets used to new circumstances. Faster than his body. It takes a long time to adapt to other time zones and other eating habits. Maybe thats why my heart still wants you when my mind has already closed with you …

Today I went hiking with school class. Me and some friends talked abt countries we‘ve once visited or which we would like to visit. We talked abt Japan, abt the Netherlands, Egypt and a lot more. Then I dropped a sentence, which seemed like the others couldn‘t really relate to. And that wonders me bcs I wouldn‘t be the only one who thinks that, would I? I said : "In fact, I couln‘t survive one day in Tokyo. There are too many people. I think there shouldn’t be people existing at all, only then world can be beautiful.“ 

Idk why but I‘m still the same. I have the same wallpaper on my new phone. I love the same food. I‘m still that same person as that one you knew a half year ago. And I wonder if you are still the same too or am I the only one not changing?

You know this feeling when everything is happening at once and you just go with it - your head so full and so empty at the same time?

I'm starting this website, it's 23 : 59 and I'm not prepared for the Latin exam tmr (˶˃⤙˂˶)