the most thing i want now is a friendship. nvm if that friendship is with a boy i love, with a girl from school, with my siblings, with the mother i never had or if it is simply with myself… i just want somebody who i can trust fully. i want to be able to laugh and cry, argue and come back together with that one person. but i think, just as i spent too much time on this earth, i‘m not capable of truly loving a person‘s soul by heart anymore… i‘ve seen too much harm coming from the persons i trusted once. 

today it‘s probably gonna be a bit deep. idk. i‘m just not feeling so well. i woke up early (i slept 3 and a half hr bcz i was reading into the late night) and i started the day with watching one of my fav movies for the third time („one week friends“ - it‘s really good!), thinking that i should enjoy the last two days before school & exams start. then i cleaned the flat, opened all windows and let the sun drown it into sunlight (sth it doesn’t get to feel so often). i helped then my sister with baking a lemon cake. it could have been a good day. it should have been a good day…

maybe i‘m too sentimental, but while all of the cleaning & baking & doing the dishes & playing with my younger brother & talking with my siblings… i just felt so hollow inside and i was drowning into thinking - thoughts i could never share with anybody. bcz i can‘t even explain them. some days… whatever i do or whoever i interact with… i‘m just like a black hole. sucking out all the happiness of my outer side, just to feel even more depressed on the inside. 

you know abt my biggest fear? no ofc not… 

my biggest fear: darkness

darkness like the one at night when i‘m walking alone all by myself and that darkness could contain everything and yet at the same time it could contain nth at all - i‘m so weak in the dark. i feel like i can be seen by anybody, even if that doesn’t make any sense. 

darkness like the one inside my room when i go to sleep. even when i know my room very well and i feel at least in that room sometimes like i‘m at home bcz it has every precious things to me, i can’t go to sleep inside that darkness. i always have a small lamp brightening the room a little.

darkness like the one when i close my eyes. it’s just the same - i feel too weak when my eyes are closed. i think i don’t trust anymore. the world and everyone around me. even myself. i just can‘t trust. 

darkness like the one in deep water and outer space. don’t get me wrong, these two things are beautiful to me! i am a person who gets easily fascinated by nature and the little as well as the big things. but there‘s just that one scary, very disturbing thought that if i fell into deep water or into outer space - i would suffer so, so much. these two things are endless, infinite. i would be gone forever but endlessly alone with only myself. i would go crazy until i die. i would feel so very small inside all of that dark blackness. it‘s scaring me.

and we in fact are just as small compared to the universe. i don’t know what my single soul would make of a difference to anybody, there always will be another one to replace me. it would only be me suffering if i died.

but then again i think that the people who suffer the most when death happens, are those who stay behind on this earth, remembering the dead everytime and everywhere they had moments with those people. they cannot ever delete the memories they made with the dead. they will forever see them in the flower they once picked up and stuck behind that person‘s ear, read them in the letters they have got from that person, hear their laughter when listening to a song they two once danced to, look into that person‘s eyes when they look into the mirror.

the alive don‘t leave with the dead - but the dead stay with those alive.

i can’t imagine what an impact or change my death would bring, but there would be one. and since it‘s easier to be a wandering ghost, not seen or heard by anyone, i will just stay alive.

i will just stay as invisible as i am.

°ʚ hi! ɞ°

i feel like i‘m partly alive again. because i have spent whole 8 hours in the morning in nature on friday (as an act of celebrating Eid alone)! i listened to music , wrote a bit, enjoyed the environment and walked & walked & walked. that‘s what healing is called - yay! i even saw cherry blossoms!  for me there‘s no other way to get back that feeling of being alive. the last month was really exhausting for me. the worst thing is that i can’t tell anybody about the things happening to me. nobody could ever understand me. all i wanted was just to feel a bit more alive. until i have reached that feeling at least. and now i will be holding onto it for the next long eternity of surrow and loneliness.