today i saw these drinks in the supermarket and remembered how my former best friend used to call me spongebob bcz of my craziness as a kid. that time of happiness seems so far away, my child-me just like a different person. the memories i have of my days back then feel like those of a stranger. sometimes, when i rly notice how old i am already, a huge amount of sadness overcomes me. i miss childhood. in childhood there was freedom - no being stuck in my own mind and my overthinking. i was such a happy child. most of my happy and good memories have their place in my childhood. 

i wish i could go back to being young. i wish i could stop growing older. 

i have started a bullet journal some time ago and i wonder if ever another person will read it through and ask himself what made me write those things. somehow i wish a person would read the words i wrote. but at the same time i am afraid of that too. well, i don’t think that anyone would read my texts anyways so i should just stop overthinking…

school is stressing these days so much and i‘m grateful that there’s no one i  could hurt by not having any time for them. thankfully i have no friends. if i would be honest to myself, then i would say that i need to be loved. but i‘m not honest to myself so i just struggle through the days, not knowing why i am so unsatisfied. my heart is still hoping for love - while my body is unable to accept any signs of love since long.  

# Happy Birthday, my love. I’ve been counting down the days to this moment… not just to celebrate your birthday, but to celebrate you. You’re the light that keeps me going, even when I’m far away and wearing this uniform. Every long day, every tough moment — you’re the reason I push through. I know you think I’m far right now, but today is too special to be away from the person who owns my heart. So just keep your beautiful smile ready… because your soldier is closer than you think. Happy birthday, habibti. I love you more than words can ever say, and today I’ll prove it in the best way. 

➜ Thx, darling, you‘re the light of my life, the cold water that brings me through the burning hell. For you I stand up every day and live like you would want me to. For our future I survive ꨄ︎

➜ Happy B-Day to myself. I don’t feel like nineteen at all …

you are in your one year and three months of army and i‘m left alone. i don’t really know how to feel - now that i don’t have you to talk with. i‘m just still a bit used to having you, so i guess that‘s probably why i‘m always thinking of you. we can‘t text and i wonder how you‘ve been and if you at least try to get enough sleep. i hope you are doing well. some days i ask myself if we both will still be the same persons when you come out of army. i guess we will change like the colours of the leafs in autumn. but in the end we will be together green again, right darling? i just wish that time flies by quickly …

why is being the eldest daugther so hard? and why is everyone so depressed while wearing laughing masks? i came to egypt to meet my family. and i knew nothing about all the problems and drama going on here. all i can think about now is : when did all of this happen? did i grow up so fast? and why am only i noticing or having a problem with it? everybody else is singing and laughing around me and i‘m trying to be happy too but how when everything has changed so badly? why is it so hard to be the eldest daughter? 

why did i talk to you again? we had such a long break. i thought we were over. i thought i could forget you. but in fact i could never. and now that there‘s no sea parting us right now i couldn‘t resist texting you. and you reacted so perfect. we are still so perfect. you‘re going to army next month and there won‘t be anything anymore connecting us but the moon. i hope the moon will never go down. you are in love with an eldest daugther in a family of problems. i‘m so sorry for that. 

today i went hiking with school class. the nature was so beautiful and we swam with a boat to a small isle in a lake. then, in the train on our way back, me and some friends talked abt countries we‘ve once visited or which we would like to visit. we talked abt japan, abt the netherlands, egypt and a lot more. then i dropped a sentence, which seemed like the others couldn‘t really relate to. and that wonders me bcs i wouldn‘t be the only one who thinks that, am i? i said : "in fact, i couln‘t survive one day in tokyo. there are too many people. i think there shouldn’t be people existing at all, only then world can be beautiful.“