today i got some free time for the first time in a long while. i spent it drawing and playing Uno with my siblings. school was so stressful during the last weeks, that i never had a free second and when i went to bed, i couldn‘t even write something down in my journals or even continue my novel. 

i rly want to watch all the ghibli movies. i started with „my Neighbour Totoro“ but didn’t have time to finish it. but i find the aesthetic of the movies and the sceneries and characters from ghibli so beautiful and wholesome (even without having watched them) that i really want to see them.

time is the most precious thing that we have and we need to make the best out of it. the big problem is that it‘s so fast - faster than my mind. things change so quickly. i even now still sometimes think that i‘m 18, while i‘m already 19 years old! it‘s like my mind can‘t go as fast as the time and i really don’t like that. it makes me feel weak. 

so it felt rly nice to be able to do something for myself after all that time of studying and lack of sleep, of water and of self-love. and i like the picture i have drawn, even if i drew it with only some cheap crayons and it didn’t turn out perfect. i still like it. i never drew anything like this before. i think it‘s a good sign. maybe i will be able to continue writing my novel during the next days - that would be awesome! and i guess i will take some walks in the park again.

time becomes beautiful as soon as we have enough of it ❥

last friday we talked about dreams in school and that conversation was quite interesting because i have already thought so many times about that topic in my life - but when others talk with you about a topic, then you can see so many more opinions and new ideas. i find it so impressive how our mind works at night. your mind can show you, what your head was really busy with over the day and proccesses those thoughts through dreaming.

and i don‘t know if it is the same with everyone, but i sometimes dream of places and visit those places many times in many dreams - it‘s like visiting a parallel-world whenever i dream and i find that pretty cool (but a bit scary too). anyways, dreams are nice. and i like to interpret much into the dreams i dreamed, especially the bad ones.

for instance : last night i dreamed that i was in our old neighborhood (our family moved a few years ago) and the house had somehow burned down. the interesting thing: the day before i had talked to my sister about the old neighborhood and about memories we had from there. maybe my memory wanted to tell me with the dream: „past is past - you should finally leave it behind“?

hey.

i‘m sitting in the car with my family and driving to the czech republic rn. we won‘t stay long, just wanna experience the feeling of stepping into another country (which is not egypt ofc). In this moment it seems like the world maybe could become just fine in the future and all my problems and school are far, far away. i know this feeling will be gone soon so i want to secure it in my heart for the bad days. it is cold (under the zero) and the wind is blowing strongly but that’s just fine. i‘m still happy. happier than anywhere anytime else. 

oh, and today it‘s gonna be new years eve! i already want to wish you a happy and good new year - actually i‘m not into this celebrating another year that ended (like birthdays & the new year) because i don‘t think of it as a happy day. it just shows us how little of time we have and how fast it goes by. but i still wish everyone to cherish the good coming moments and the time we still have to create good in this world.

be happy & healthy ✧ 

today i saw these drinks in the supermarket and remembered how my former best friend used to call me spongebob bcz of my craziness as a kid. that time of happiness seems so far away, my child-me just like a different person. the memories i have of my days back then feel like those of a stranger. sometimes, when i rly notice how old i am already, a huge amount of sadness overcomes me. i miss childhood. in childhood there was freedom - no being stuck in my own mind and my overthinking. i was such a happy child. most of my happy and good memories have their place in my childhood. 

i wish i could go back to being young. i wish i could stop growing older. 

i have started a bullet journal some time ago and i wonder if ever another person will read it through and ask himself what made me write those things. somehow i wish a person would read the words i wrote. but at the same time i am afraid of that too. well, i don’t think that anyone would read my texts anyways so i should just stop overthinking…

school is stressing these days so much and i‘m grateful that there’s no one i  could hurt by not having any time for them. thankfully i have no friends. if i would be honest to myself, then i would say that i need to be loved. but i‘m not honest to myself so i just struggle through the days, not knowing why i am so unsatisfied. my heart is still hoping for love - while my body is unable to accept any signs of love since long.  

# Happy Birthday, my love. I’ve been counting down the days to this moment… not just to celebrate your birthday, but to celebrate you. You’re the light that keeps me going, even when I’m far away and wearing this uniform. Every long day, every tough moment — you’re the reason I push through. I know you think I’m far right now, but today is too special to be away from the person who owns my heart. So just keep your beautiful smile ready… because your soldier is closer than you think. Happy birthday, habibti. I love you more than words can ever say, and today I’ll prove it in the best way. 

➜ Thx, darling, you‘re the light of my life, the cold water that brings me through the burning hell. For you I stand up every day and live like you would want me to. For our future I survive ꨄ︎

➜ Happy B-Day to myself. I don’t feel like nineteen at all …

you are in your one year and three months of army and i‘m left alone. i don’t really know how to feel - now that i don’t have you to talk with. i‘m just still a bit used to having you, so i guess that‘s probably why i‘m always thinking of you. we can‘t text and i wonder how you‘ve been and if you at least try to get enough sleep. i hope you are doing well. some days i ask myself if we both will still be the same persons when you come out of army. i guess we will change like the colours of the leafs in autumn. but in the end we will be together green again, right darling? i just wish that time flies by quickly …

why is being the eldest daugther so hard? and why is everyone so depressed while wearing laughing masks? i came to egypt to meet my family. and i knew nothing about all the problems and drama going on here. all i can think about now is : when did all of this happen? did i grow up so fast? and why am only i noticing or having a problem with it? everybody else is singing and laughing around me and i‘m trying to be happy too but how when everything has changed so badly? why is it so hard to be the eldest daughter? 

why did i talk to you again? we had such a long break. i thought we were over. i thought i could forget you. but in fact i could never. and now that there‘s no sea parting us right now i couldn‘t resist texting you. and you reacted so perfect. we are still so perfect. you‘re going to army next month and there won‘t be anything anymore connecting us but the moon. i hope the moon will never go down. you are in love with an eldest daugther in a family of problems. i‘m so sorry for that. 

today i went hiking with school class. the nature was so beautiful and we swam with a boat to a small isle in a lake. then, in the train on our way back, me and some friends talked abt countries we‘ve once visited or which we would like to visit. we talked abt japan, abt the netherlands, egypt and a lot more. then i dropped a sentence, which seemed like the others couldn‘t really relate to. and that wonders me bcs i wouldn‘t be the only one who thinks that, am i? i said : "in fact, i couln‘t survive one day in tokyo. there are too many people. i think there shouldn’t be people existing at all, only then world can be beautiful.“